KONTRYHEL OSTROLALOČNATÝ!!!!

Šedé dny jsou ty tam. Zářivé barvy pulsují všude kolem a já se konečně dokážu znovu usmívat, aniž by to bolelo. A co víc, dokážu znovu ventilovat svoje pocity. S velkým vděkem přijímám fakt, že se znovu poznávám.

Za posledních dvanáct měsíců jsem prožila velké množství extrémních nálad a prožitků. Byla jsem potřetí v životě uvězněná v blázinci a pak se znovu učila žít v realitě všedních dnů. Pošlapané sebevědomí a nulová sebeúcta, nízká schopnost komunikace s okolím, zablokované pocity, nechuť k životu… to vše mi znemožňovalo „normálně“ fungovat. Chtěla jsem to všechno změnit, ale chyběla mi energie a netušila jsem, jak začít. Sebelítost se ještě umocnila zlomeným srdcem a zklamáním ze sebe sama. Byla jsem na dně.

Stěhování na venkov pro mě nebylo žádnou novinkou, je to už třetí pokus, co se snažím žít právě v tomhle domě. Je tu klid a pohoda, což očividně bylo to, co jsem tentokrát potřebovala. Deprese nějakou dobu ještě přetrvávala. Pasivita a zoufalství nebyla vůbec dobrá kombinace, ale všechno má svůj čas. Nenásilným působením mých sluníčkových spolubydlících jsem mohla malými krůčky stoupat do pomyslného kopce, který byl tedy příšerně zdlouhavý a až nesnesitelně mírný.

Zlomovým okamžikem se ukázalo být jedno odpoledne, kdy jsme si málem vyřvali hlasivky pokřikem „kontryhel ostrolaločnatý“ … No, zkuste to zakřičet fakt nahlas, tak zvláštně to uvolňuje! Jak kdyby ostrý lalok kontryhelu mocně demoloval blokády v srdci, ty zdi z šedých cihel, co nejdou nijak přeskočit ani obejít a jen tak něco s nimi nehne.

Konečně můžu s opatrností říct, že moje nemoc je stabilizovaná. Konečně se cítím dobře a konečně si toho vážím. Jupí!

Chit Chat with Štýrsmír

Few days ago I had a small talk with the Universe.
Hours later, the Things started to happen.
What a Coincidence?

MultiDori finally has Synchronicity in her World.

I was totally desperate with my way of life. Unhappy at work, unhappy in relationship, unhappy in total.

Well. Nowadays it has changed:

New job offer.

New relationship.

New impulses.

New life.

New MultiDori.

Beauties of Life

In the times of darkness I used to be desperate. I could not wait anymore for my own happy end.
I thought that it will never get better.

Thanks to my medicine, which harmonized my mood, I could not feel any emotions. Literary none. No anger, no sadness, no real laughter, no feeling like love. Therefore I decided that the mood stabilizers will not be taken anymore. I told my psychiatrist that I wanna stop forever. He said it is dangerous for me... but I had no fear (oh yeah, no emotions = no fear!).
I dropped my medicine very slowly. I came to my psychiatrist and told him that I've already stopped. I gave him no other chance than to let me be myself.

Since this time my life started to improve. I can feel now. What a nice change!

From practical point of view I have many activities. I travel, I work hard, I am active in patient movement for the transformation of czech psychiatric care, I adore my boyfriend, I am sociable.
I feel like I finally LIVE.

Nothing compares to the feeling when the heart is touched.

(DorI'S) Advantages of the psychic diseases

Being bipolar is not always the worst thing that can happen to you.
It can be even cooler than you think.
So there are few advantages of my disease:

For example: CREATIVITY. When I am manic, I can be as much creative that it even scares the people around. I am planning, thinking and overthinking, drawing, writing, having so many ideas on my mind. And of course I am that active in these operations that I have projects for next few years...

I also have ENERGY not only for myself but for everyone. Just come to say hi and there's some of the positive energy to take away. Everything is just piece of a cake, and everything is much smoother and just great. Like the reality would be the one who wears pink glasses finally.

In case of mania I hear inaudible and I see invisible. Therefore EMPATHY is pulsing through my mind. I understand everyone and everything. I can advise you about anything possible, even if you don't want to. Everything makes sense immediately. Even more senses and altogether it gives a huge nonsense.

Don't even think that SELF CONFIDENCE is something missing, I am as confident as four persons in total. It's useful for many situations, you know?

If you are sociophobic, just pray for mania! Cause every time I've became sociable and talkative, I bet I've had the best SENSE OF HUMOR I've ever could. Kind of "attention whore" instinct.

Being bipolar makes me be more OPEN MINDED person. I can give you everything and want nothing in return.

The only thing I hate to hear is: "Calm down!" Otherwise I can understand whatever you criticize or blame me from. But anyway you would be stoned by arguments just thanks to my super big POWER which accompanies me step by step.

I feel bad for people who never went crazy. But if there's mania, then please no consequences like depression. That's the worst and the longest nemesis for such a short mania phase. Even though I know I just do not deserve that! I just tried to MAKE WORLD A BETTER PLACE to be...

In those depressive times I feed myself by memories from mania. The times when I was the CHOSEN ONE.

Thanks to the Universe, I have to admit... This ride has worth it!!!

Gift from the Universe

My world started to change when I found out I'm bipolar and what more, I have affective effects of schizophrenia, like hallucinations, hearing voices and some thrilling ideas on my mind.
It's really funny, that my disease opened up my eyes and my heart to all the living beings, who deserve that. I felt the empathy slowly improving, also my attitude to other people is now totally different than before my disease even occurred. I can understand all the feelings in the world. Just thanks to my experience.
Now I am happy to say, that my disease is not some defect. It's a gift.
Thanks to my diagnosis I see things that are happening in another dimension. I feel emotions and energy of other people. I see their karma and I know immediately, if it is a good or bad person.
Cool thing is, that I never know, if I have these abilities or not. It just comes itself. Sometimes when I am depressive I am unable to feel my own emotions, therefore emotions of the others are even more hidden from my point of view.
I feel stabilized now. No mania, no depression. Just keep it cool, babe, you can make it!

Hello there!

It's been four years since some special energy broke my own universe.
Since it was broken I had to build it up again.
Now I can be brave enough to admit I am finally stabilized.
Funny thing is that I feel more stabilized than I was before I got my schizoaffective psychosis.

What brought me this disease?
My social bubble was full of hypocrisy and insincerity.
I was attending university, I had many projects.
Remaining time was filled by my job in a café.
And of course parties!
While being unhappy in a relationship, I tried to fly far away from this reality by smoking weed.
Actually it helped a lot to forget my issues.

The world started to talk to me. I felt a huge positive energy, I could speak to random passers-by. I could understand what the plants and stones are saying. I could even speak to non-living things. I could make the street lamp switch on and off. I could decode the license plates of all the cars, because all of them meant something. I was able to do anything I wanted, even climb the wall, speak to whoever in my mind or make anyone talk to me and help me. I didn't have to sleep or eat.
I felt like being infinite, perfect and chosen one.

That's what mania is.
Does it sound a bit familiar to you?
Then you might be also a bit crazy...
I am definitely happy to meet you!

Looking forward to share my memories with you.
Keep in touch.


Dori

Pretty Shitty Things

These cloudy days are seriously the best way to remember some rules for the future:

1) Never trust a stranger. He can leave only a lot of cigarette butts in your heart.

2) Even if you are lonely never go under your standards. It does not worth it.

3) Waiting for luck and so called happiness might be very long in case you are wasting your time by bullshits.

4) You can give up on any person but not yourself. Unless you have two or even three yourselves. Then just give up on whatever.

5) Be honest all around until you simply hate people. Then rather shut up.



Wish me luck to be strong enough to follow these rules!